


"Pidge Learns A Lesson"

by Queenscene2



Series: It's Always Sunny on Planet Arus (Dotu Crack Fics) [8]
Category: Voltron: Lion Force (1984)
Genre: Crack, Gen, Sexual Content, Sexual Humor, Thank you everyone who helped!, like actual crack cocaine, this comes from the dotu discord server
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-12
Updated: 2020-10-12
Packaged: 2021-03-08 02:08:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,228
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26964214
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Queenscene2/pseuds/Queenscene2
Summary: Pidge asks the Pilots an embarrassing questionA Crack fic
Series: It's Always Sunny on Planet Arus (Dotu Crack Fics) [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1825153
Comments: 2
Kudos: 6





	"Pidge Learns A Lesson"

**Author's Note:**

> ***This is a crack fic. Do not take anything seriously***
> 
> This is rated Mature for sexual descriptions of things

Pidge didn’t want to ask, yet he really needed to know. He got up from his bed that Friday evening and waltzed into the lounge to find the other pilots getting absolutely shitfaced.

“Um.” He spoke up. The other pilots turned to him and raised their eyebrows. “Hunk!” Allura cried. Lance turned to her. “Princess, that’s Pidge.” He said. Understandable that she would get the two confused. She _was_ on her 8th beer after all.

“Ah, that would explain the….the…” she lost her train of thought and just made a vertical motion with her arm. Keith spoke up. “What’s up?”

“Um…so I had a question.” Pidge said. “Dammit, Shorty just spit it out!” Lance said, taking another sip of his Jack Daniels. Pidge gulped, embarrassed to ask, yet all the pilots were waiting for him to lay it on him. There was no time for him to reevaluate their possible reactions. There was no turning back now.

“Where do babies come from?”

The only noise that was heard was Hunk choking on his Cinnamon Fireball Whiskey. The choking was followed by snickers coming from Allura, who was laughing for who knows what reason. She probably combined her beer with some edibles.

After the initial shock wore off, Lance stood up. “Well, as a proclaimed sex icon, you have asked the right person.”

“Literally nobody says that about you.” Keith pointed out. Lance turned to him. “Oh yeah? How many people have _you_ banged within the past week?”

“Zero? Because I actually have a job to do!” Keith protested louder than usual. Lance slicked back his hair. “Well, _I’ve_ had 6 girls in this week so, therefore I am _more_ than qualified, virgin.” He said condescendingly.

He pulled up a stool and gestured for Pidge to sit. Lance then moved to the front of the room. “It all starts with the hot babe.” He said. “You flirt with her, first saying how hot she looks in that outfit she’s wearing and whatever, ask for her name, buy her a drink, all that jazz.”

Pidge pulled out a notebook and started scribbling down something. Lance continued. “Now, when you insert the tongue in the mouth as you guys are making out, that’s when you grope the ass.” Keith looked over and saw that Pidge was doodling a picture of Lance surrounded by some land mines.

Pidge was too enthralled in his artwork that he only came to to the sounds of protest. “That is not how you do it!” Hunk protested. “You have to do roleplay first.”

“It’s called foreplay, you dumbass!” Allura slurred loudly. She hiccupped. “Sorry, Lance. Continue.” She said, gesturing. “Alright. Then after you take the bra off, that’s when shit gets real.” Lance said. He took a condom out of his pocket.

“What the hell is that, a moist towelette?” Pidge asked. Lance smirked. “Well it will be _wet_ when you pull it out afterwards, if you get what I mean.” Pidge just shook his head. “No. I don’t.” he said matter-of-factly.

Lance sighed. “Fine, okay. Where were we?”

“The roleplay!” Hunk announced, obviously drunk.

“Dammit Hunk, it’s FOREPLAY! And we are _way_ past that!” Lance said. He snapped his fingers as he remembered. “Ah, yes. So this is called a condom, or if you’re an expert at sexual shit: the _rubber._ ”

“Why don't you just call it a condom?” Keith asked, disdainfully.

“Cause I'm not a virgin.” Lance clapped back.

“OH SHIT!” Allura screamed, she started cackling.

Lance snapped his fingers. “Someone get me a banana.” He ordered. Hunk tossed him one from the bowl with conveniently placed fruit on the coffee table.

Lance caught it surprisingly well for someone who finished 3 bottles of mini Jack Daniels. “Thanks. Okay so you take your dick, right? And then you roll it down like this, if you go too fast, then you’re gonna have to pay child support.”

“Oh, so the babies come from the rubber?” Pidge asked, tapping his pencil to his nose.

Lance threw his head back in exasperation. “No! It comes from your dick.” He said, “but then you also need a hot babe to make one with.”

“Then why do you need a rubber to have a baby? Wouldn’t it block the baby coming out?” Pidge noted. Keith sighed. “Lance, he wants to know where babies come from, not how to bang the entire planet of Arus without consequence.”

Lance turned to Pidge. “Then why didn’t you say so before?!” he asked, annoyed. “I don’t know! I don’t even know what’s going on anymore! Why do I need a woman? I’m gay.” Pidge said, frustrated.

“Oh, well then you have to ask Keith about that. He’s the expert at that.” Keith glared at him. “Absolutely not!” He protested. Lance just simply sat down and put his hands behind his head. Keith got out a pamphlet that was _somewhere_ on his person. He handed it to Pidge.

“Here. Knock yourself out.” Keith said. Pidge skimmed the pamphlet, which explained in painful detail where babies come from, with pictures.

“Um, this is for human anatomy.” Pidge exclaimed.

Lance raised an eyebrow. “So?” he said.

“I’m Baltan.”

Lance raised his eyebrows. “Oh shit.” He looked at Keith. Keith glared at him “What?! Don’t look at me! I’m not an alien.”

“You act like an alien.”

They both made a surprised face and pointed at each other.

Pidge spoke up again. “So, what if your species have both sets of reproductive organs?” he asked innocently. The room got quiet again. “Ew.” Lance muttered under his breath.

Allura swung her legs. “Alien shit? I got this.” She stood up, trying to gain her balance. She held out her glass to Hunk. “Hold my beer.” She said, dropping it to the ground. The mug shattered and Guinness spilled all over the floor. Hunk made a delayed grabbing motion with his hand.

She stumbled up to the front. “Okay listen, Dipshit. It all starts with getting SLOPPY drunk. First, find whoever you want to put a baby in, and then be like…” She started to say something in a language no one could understand. “THEN you caress their bicep tenderly.”

Allura burped, then continued. “When you see the opening of their 2nd vagina, THAT’S when the ankle goes in, otherwise it would be too soon.” Keith wasn’t sure what the hell she was talking about.

“And that’s how babies are created…with lots and lots and lots and lots of….something.” she concluded. She bowed, but accidentally lost her balance and faceplanted. The boys started laughing at her.

Uncharacteristically _not_ laughing along with them, Pidge stood up and brushed himself off, frustrated that his question _still_ wasn’t answered. “Um, okay. Well, thanks guys for nothing, as usual. I’ll be off now.” he ran out of the room like the gremlin he was.

“You’re welcome.” Hunk said to nobody in particular.

~

Two weeks later, as he and Bandor were hanging out, Pidge tried his luck once more. “Hey, dude.” Bandor looked up from their plans for their new grenade which released a fart smell when activated. “Yeah?”

“Where do babies come from?” Pidge asked.

“The ground. You plant them in the winter and then you dig them up in nine months.” He answered confidently and matter-of-factly.

Pidge smiled and nodded. “Dope. That’s what I thought. Thanks.”


End file.
